Grave truth
April 3, 2008 at 5:09 pm | In scotland |Tags: coffin, funeral, funeral practices, grave, scotland
I lowered a coffin into a grave today. I’m told Scotland is one of the few places in the west in which coffins are still manually lowered into graves by mourners. Today, at a funeral of a church member with no living relatives, there weren’t many to hold the eight cords attached to the side of the coffin. So I took one. My supervisor took one. A few church members took one. And a home carer of the deceased took one.
“Now slowly let the cord slip through your hand” the funeral director said, “and let the coffin descend into the grave.” And we did. Eight of us standing on muddy boards perilously close to the edge of the grave.
“Drop your cords into the grave and slowly carefully step away” we were instructed.
My supervisor then proclaimed, “We commit this body to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust” during which the funeral director threw several handfuls of dirt into the coffin.
Usually, at this point in the service, family members will each take a rose, kiss it, and toss it in the grave. But today the small group who attended the service lifted prayers instead.
I’m sure such graveside practices vary in the states, but my few experiences at gravesides have lacked such clear encounters of death and burial. At home, I’ve encountered mourners sitting in white folding chairs arranged on fake grass in front of where the coffin that will later–when all the family is gone–be lowered into the grave. Folks drive away before the coffin is set in the earth, before the body has been fully committed to the grave.
I know of an American pastor who has made it a practice not to leave the cemetery until the coffin is in the grave. Often, when the family hear his plans, they are comforted by the knowledge that their loved one will descend under the caring eye of the pastor, still praying.
I bet there’s many a state and federal law that might prohibit Americans from lowering caskets into the grave themselves. But in my short experience here, standing in the open air and seeing the coffin lowered into the earth by loved ones enacts the reality that, while we belong body and soul in life and in death to God, at the same time we are dust, and to dust we shall return.
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this reminds me of a story:
I was talking to a funeral director about his very issue. He said that one time he did a funeral and the widow remained at the grave side after the service was over.
After a period of time the director suggested that it might be time for her to leave. She responded, “I’m not leaving until the casket it lowered and he’s buried. He never left anything unfinished in his life time, and I’m not about to let this be the first.”
I just love that story…
Comment by jbonewa — April 3, 2008 #
Although I do not belong to your Church, or any other church, I am so full of respect for your burial practices, because the hardest thing to do is to part with our loved ones, and to do it just right is really important, especially when we’re not going to see them, as we knew them, anymore. And here I must say that Scotland is very specific with all wonderful traditions, which are usually long forgotten in the other parts of the world. (…
But the whole story of yours, reminds me of one day I spent on a cemetery, somewhere far far East. There was this family of Gypsies gathered around the grave of their late relative and they were singing sad songs and feasting, which I found very inspiring and heart-warming.
Comment by mak — April 4, 2008 #
I have to say, having been at many burials and cremations, the worst are when the coffin is still there when the mourners leave. Some crematoria leave the coffin on the catafalque, which I don’t think is helpful. The American way of death always seems to me about denying its reality.
Comment by Mike Goss — April 4, 2008 #
Good point about denial, and I think that has more to do with our approach to burial in the US than state and federal regulations. When my father-in-law died there was a small graveside service after his memorial service. The clear expectation of the cemetery staff was that we would all leave when the service was over and we had all placed a symbolic spade-full of dirt into the grave. I wonder how often that becomes self-fulfilling? In a moment of great emotion we often defer to the person who seems to know what is expected. My husband insisted on staying and filling the grave himself (we were just burying ashes, so it wasn’t as big as a standard one anyway) and so I have a vivid memory of my husband, his brother and our then-three-year-old son doing one final thing to take care of their father & grandfather.
Comment by Barbara — April 5, 2008 #
Wow, what a rare and beautiful story. We’ve lost a lot by automating this last duty. I’m going to feature this at CCblogs.org today.
Comment by real live preacher — April 10, 2008 #
Powerful. I’m grateful this soul did not die utterly alone.
Comment by johnhamilton — April 11, 2008 #
Sorry but you guys seem to live in another world from me - automated coffin lowering machines.
In the UK when my mother died several years ago church members carried the coffin out of church and although the undertakers arranged the coffin by the grave family members lowered it in. Similarly at my wife’s grandmothers funeral I helped to carry the coffin from the church into the church graveyard and then helped to lower it into the grave.
I don’t think these experiences were unusual and an important part of the ceremony for the mourners. The act of laying the person down to rest was very significant in saying goodbye properly. I would not wish to loose this.
Comment by calisnenath — April 12, 2008 #
My only real memory of funerals in Scotland is very different. All my grandparents’ funerals and then my father’s service were many years ago in the local crematorium. During the final hymn of a short service the coffin, which had been lying in front of the congregation, disappeared on mechanical rollers. A sliding door at the back wall of the little chapel then closed, and I think there was a curtain of some sort that fell in front of the wall. It was hard not to look up at the smoking crematorium chimney when leaving in the chauffer driven car to go for cups of tea with family and friends. I certainly understand the good sense of cremation in a small, crowded island country but these services were lacking for me as a mourner. I still don’t know what tangible markers there are in the crematorium for these loved ones…. a name in a book, a plaque on the wall? I need to find out.
Comment by AJWC — April 13, 2008 #
Not sure about other places, but families who opt for cremation in Ayr are given several options: a plaque, ashes strew witnessed unwitnessed, ashes in a garden, I think there’s also tree options as well–as w/ any business, there’s a fair amount of consumer choice in Ayr at least. I do wonder, though, what markers remain of cremations of years past.
Comment by adamjcopeland — April 13, 2008 #
Adam-
Good stuff. This reminds me a bit of some of Thomas Lynch’s writing about his work as funeral director (he’s also a writer and poet) on the importance of acknowledging–as opposed to ignoring or delegating to machines–the actual body. If we have a resurrection hope, it’s attached to a body.
Thanks for your story.
Greg
Comment by ggarrett — April 14, 2008 #
When my mother died, she donated her remains to medical research. Since my father survived her, none of us felt comfortable about making inquiries to the university hospital. When my father passed, I contacted the hospital and to my surprise, I learned that they had saved her ashes. So 7 years after her death, we gathered in the cemetery and placed her ashes adjacent to our dad. I dug the shallow hole with the concurrence of the cemetery officials, and we had a small private ceremony.
Comment by George — April 14, 2008 #
My husband referred to his body after death as “leftovers” and had no requests for disposal of the ashes. My children were not helpful, so with the assistance of a dear friend, about a third of the ashes were deposited in a much loved spot, the lake at Montreat. Others were dropped into the Gulf of Mexico at another friend’s cottage, this time with my children participating. Nothing fills the void in the heart.
Comment by Martha — April 17, 2008 #
Adam, This triggered many memories of burials at our church Cemetary right next to our farm in ND. I was sexton for many years and my father before that. Back in the my early years the pall bearers lowered the casket just as you did. Often times in place of soggy soil we stood on frozern clumps. The neigbors had dug through the frozen soil the day before with pick axes and shovels and the mouners were were clad in sheepskin over coats. As for me I want the committal service to be first and then and then a celebration of life and the resurrection. It is also the custom in the funeral sevice bulletin to state that the final resting place is such and such cemetary. Not with me, I will be long gone, and resting in our Eternal Home.
Comment by Luther—April 18,2008
Comment by Luther Berntson — April 19, 2008 #
The “best” graveside service I ever attended was Jewish. Although the deceased was a wealthy man he was buried in a simple pine box like everyone else in his congregation. He was lowered into the grave by synagogue members and we all took a shovel full of earth to cover him. If Jewish congregations can have their funerals done this way in the States, I don’t see why others cannot if we insist.
Comment by Harper — April 23, 2008 #